IUD Rundown Part II

by Lady Perv on February 16, 2011

in Advice,Cervices,Contraceptives,Nurse Nerd,Sex Ed

Dear Lady Perv,

Are there any issues with the IUD and a solid deep-dicking? I just keep imagining it (a) poking some unfortunate swain or (b) getting dislodged during a particularly vigorous episode of sexing. Eh?

Also, with the spotting, for how long? Weeks? Months? Inquiring minds want to know.

Love,
Redd

Dearest Redd,

Yeah, I knew there was a lot of stuff I left hanging in my last IUD post. Important stuff, like what it’s like to actually have on IUD. Since I both have one in my uterus right now, and I’m pretty well-versed in how to insert them, I can shed a little more light on all this.

First of all, deep-dicking/poking/getting dislodged: none of these things should be an issue. An IUD is inserted so that the top of its T rests against the top of your uterus, called the fundus. At the base of your uterus is your cervix, which is a comparatively long, muscley neck. Your cervix actually makes up about a third of the total length of your uterus, so it’d be kind of hard for a little deep-dickin’ to jostle things enough for the IUD to come out. The uterus is a serious muscle.

As far as poking, I have it on good authority that the swains can occasionally feel the strings from the IUD, but they usually sort of move out of the way. The strings feel like dental floss, so they might feel a little scratchy to a penis, but they soften up over time. If your swain feels a hard piece of plastic at the end of your vag’, you’ve got a problem and you should go see the person who put in your IUD. While deep-dickin’ shouldn’t dislodge your IUD, your uterus could be like, “WTF is this thing?” and decide to expel it. That happens pretty rarely, but it happens.

Spotting with the Mirena is really variable. Some women just spot for a few days after it gets inserted and then stop having periods pretty immediately, some women spot on and off for a few weeks, some women don’t spot at all but keep getting periods for a couple months, some women get a light period every month the whole time they have Mirena. It’s kind of a crapshoot. With any hormonal contraceptive method (or the ParaGard, actually) things are generally supposed to level off within about three months.

On to my personal experience with the ParaGard. I was on the pill, as I’ve mentioned before, for like thirteen years, and really never had a problem. I was a great pill user. But I was taking this physiology class and learning about the intricacies of the menstrual cycle, and I was like, “I want to ovulate!” So I decided to switch to the ParaGard.

Here’s how it goes: your provider will usually do a bimanual exam to determine which way your uterus it positioned. Then she will insert the speculum, take a swab from your cervix to test for gonorrhea and chlamydia if she hasn’t already done so recently, and then douse your cervix with iodine. She then uses an instrument called a tenaculum to stabilize your uterus. (I was really glad that I didn’t see that thing before I got my IUD inserted, because it looks totally scary. The thing to remember is that you really don’t have a lot of nerve endings on the outside of your cervix.) Then, she will insert a sound into your uterus to measure the length so she can calibrate the insertion tool correctly. Once she gets a measurement, she inserts the IUD*, trims the strings, removes the speculum, lets you chill out for a few minutes, and then sends you on your merry way.

It’s a good idea to take some ibuprofen before you get the thing inserted to alleviate some of the cramping that almost invariably occurs when you mess with the cervical os. I took like 800mgs, and it still hurt like a bitch. This is also really subjective; I’ve seen a whole spectrum of reactions to IUD insertion, ranging from, “Oh, that wasn’t bad at all!” to “FUCK! OW!” My experience was closer to the latter. Dude putting it in was like, “OK, you’re going to feel some pressure…” I wish I’d said to him out loud, “That was not pressure, that was PAIN. FUCK YOU, YOU DO NOT HAVE A UTERUS.” Which is why I think that all IUDs should be inserted by ladies. But that’s just me. Either way, the pain subsides really quickly. It only lasts as long as the procedure (seriously like two minutes) and does not linger, thankfully. I did have some cramps on and off for the rest of the day, but not so bad that they kept me from walking across the Brooklyn Bridge (literally). And the next day I was totally fine.

I am a total nerd about the female reproductive system, so I got totally excited when I experienced mittelschmerz. I felt my ovary expelling an ovum! Holy shit! I was less excited about how heavy my periods became. After having such negligible periods for such a long time on the pill, it was definitely an adjustment. But not anything unmanageable. They say the change in bleeding with ParaGard is variable too, but pretty much everyone I’ve talked to with it bleeds substantially more. If you already hate your period, ParaGard might not be the choice for you. If you really hate your period, Mirena could be the way to go. And keep in mind that you can have your IUD removed any time, so while it’s good for a really long time, you don’t have to commit to all those years.

*The Association of Reproductive Health Professionals has some cool insertion animations you can check out if you’re interested, as well as a nice lady telling you about the IUD without swearing. On their website, they have this Method Match thing for comparing different contraceptive methods. Pretty cool.

{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Lord Perv February 17, 2011 at 2:50 pm

Method Man should NOT be inserting IUDs!

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Lady Perv February 17, 2011 at 6:20 pm

My use of the word slut made me want to write a post about claiming vocabulary like slut and junk, since I mean all those words hella positively.

Reply

al February 19, 2012 at 5:45 pm

i know you posted this a year ago, but do you know if “more bleeding” with paragard is something that generally happens or happens when people using hormonal BC switch? I’ve never used any sort of birth control other than condoms (with not a single pregnancy scare in 16 years, go condoms!) so my period is just, y’know, however it is.

thanks!

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