Lady Perv Talks Dirty with Siouxsie Q!

by Lady Perv on November 25, 2014

in Uncategorized

Totally what I look likeSo, I guess it’s time for my annual post, cuz I went and cheated on Perverts in Love with The Whorecast. Listen to me talk about junk for almost an hour! (Behind the scenes trivia: we actually talked for like 2.5 hours.)

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Lil Swimmers: A mini-post about one man’s sperm

by Lady Perv on December 1, 2013

in Sperm

Sperm MorphologyI was looking at some lab results the other day for a dude who’d had three semen analyses over the course of two months. He was not my patient, but I saw from the notes in his chart that he was being seen by a fertility doctor, and indeed there was some improvement in his results. His sperm count was about the same each time, but the motility (the ability of the sperm to swim) had improved, and the normal morphology (normally shaped sperm) had gone from 1% to 5%. (Anything above 3% is considered normal.) I looked this over and thought, “Hm, I wonder what they actually do for dudes at infertility clinics, because whatever it is seems to be working.”

A few hours later, the patient happened to call to get his results, and I happened to be the person to speak to him. I read him each value, and he said, “Wow, the morphology is a lot better!” I said, “Yeah, I actually saw these results earlier today and was interested in what they’ve been doing for you at the infertility clinic, if you wouldn’t mind sharing with me.”

He told me, “Nothing yet. All I’ve done is start taking a multivitamin and stop drinking diet soda.”

WHAT.

I couldn’t find any studies to back this up, but I also didn’t look very hard. My conclusion despite lack of further research is that diet soda is gross.

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Oh my god guys, we got a letter!

Hi!

I’m a poly cis-dude dating two lovely women at the moment. One of them, who for the sake of clarity, I’ll call my secondary, is HSV-1 positive. Of course, she disclosed to me right away before anything ever happened between us. My problem/question is this: My primary partner (who we also disclosed to right away) made a rule that I’m not allowed to go down on my secondary. I agreed. It was fine for a while, but I want to, my secondary wants to, and we feel it’s actually putting a kink (and not in a good way) in our sex life. The more I think about it, the more it doesn’t make sense; she doesn’t get outbreaks on her vag, with the exception of the initial, which she got by some lucky lady sucking her clit. It’s always on her face. We kiss, she goes down on me, etc., so I don’t understand, if my primary’s concern is simply health risk based, why this makes any sense whatsoever.

I have no fucking clue how to approach the subject. From the above writing, you could assume that I think it’s more of an emotional reason that she doesn’t want me muff diving, not a clinical one. Any advice on approaching a “hey bro, I want to renegotiate rules” conversation?

Thanks,

Confused Claiming Conversation

P.S. Did I mention that my secondary is absolutely crazy as far as keeping track, eating right, Valtrex, stress, etc.? I’m not even very worried about getting it, but we are INCREDIBLY careful.

As a women’s health nurse practitioner, I end up having a lot of lengthy conversations about herpes, so of course I totally had follow up questions for CCC. We clarified that his partner has HSV-1 in her mouth and in her genitals, has oral outbreaks extremely rarely and has only had one genital outbreak ever.

First off, some herpes basics for those of you who aren’t talking about herpes on a daily basis. There are two types of herpes, HSV-1 and HSV-2. HSV-1 usually lives in the mouth, and HSV-2 usually lives in the genitals. However, either one can live in either place. HSV-1 is a little more flexible than HSV-2; HSV-2 is rarely found in anyone’s mouth. Both viruses are extremely common and transmitted through skin to skin contact. Once you have the virus, it lives in the spinal nerve attached to the location where you were infected, and if you have recurrent outbreaks, they always happen in the same spot.

The main thing to remember about herpes is that it’s just a super common, highly stigmatized rash. Disclosure is obviously important, because it’s not like anyone strives to contract herpes, but it’s also usually manageable if you get it. Take good care of your immune system, be vigilant for signs of oncoming outbreaks, and you can generally avoid having too many outbreaks and passing the virus on.

The question of how contagious a person with herpes is when they’re not having symptoms is tricky, but the short answer is that it’s unlikely to be spread by someone who isn’t having an outbreak. It’s possible, but not probable, to have the virus without ever showing symptoms. Screening for herpes is not part of routine STI screening, so when someone tells you they’ve been screened for STIs, that generally doesn’t include HSV unless they had a suspicious sore that got swabbed, or they specifically asked for the blood test, which most health care providers don’t recommend unless you’ve already had an outbreak. Part of the reason it’s not routinely screened for in asymptomatic folks is because it’s so common.

OK, CCC. My first reaction to your letter was, “Wow, that seems really arbitrary.” Why is your primary cool with kissing, fellatio and P in V, but not cunnilingus? I feel like the risk for transmission is higher when your secondary is putting HER mouth on YOUR junk (or on your mouth, for that matter), since her mouth is where she tends to get her (extremely rare) outbreaks. Also, while condoms reduce the risk of transmission of herpes, they don’t eliminate the risk completely. The virus is transmitted through skin to skin contact, so any area not covered by a condom (say, your scrotum or your mons or the base of your cock) could still get infected. That said, given how careful your secondary is, I think you’re at a pretty effing low risk for contracting herpes from her.

Atavacron’s two cents:

You’re already doing all the right things for protection; a purist might say that you should be using dental dams and gloves 24/7, but your risk is very low, and you’re aware of that risk, and it’s a committed relationship, so…I’d say just keep on as you are, and stay alert.  Your secondary partner is tremendously fortunate regarding frequency of outbreaks, and it’s clear that she would give you a heads up at the slightest sign of one coming on.

It sounds like your primary partner needs a little more education, but some clarification about why she’s chosen oral sex as the one thing to latch on to that rubs her the wrong way.  Has she never had a partner go “muff diving” before you?  Maybe there’s a reason she’s protective of this particular intimacy.

It’s not unusual or unreasonable for partners to negotiate boundaries on new relationships – both physical and emotional.  Oral sex is such standard fare, however, that if you’re already allowed to have PIV sex and for her to blow you, it’s almost comically limiting for you to be unable to go down on her.

I think it’s time to renegotiate.

So, yeah, we both agree with you that your primary probably has more emotional reasons behind her rule. You’ve been respecting her kind of ridiculous and arbitrary rule for a while it sounds like, so you’ve already proven that she can trust you even when she’s being kind of ridiculous and arbitrary. I think the way to come at this conversation is with facts and compassion. Start by acknowledging that negotiations involving boundaries with other partners can be an emotional minefield, and that herpes is a scary prospect for many people. But then point out the low risk of transmission given the extreme caution you and your secondary are taking, and the fact that cunnilingus is no riskier than anything else you two are doing. Remind your primary that you care about her physical and emotional well-being, but that the three of you have got to figure out a way to renegotiate boundaries that will make everyone comfortable.

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Why isn’t there a birth control pill for dudes?

by Lady Perv February 27, 2013

Now that Atavacron has started writing stuff, I’m having performance anxiety about not putting out on here, so I’m back to revisiting some of the posts that I started a couple years ago and never finished. Back in 2011, I had actually started doing some research about the contraceptive options that were in trials for […]

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A New Method of Male Contraception – Part 2

by Atavacron February 25, 2013

In my last post, I expressed my frustration that there are limited contraceptive options out there for men.  Condoms vs. Vasectomy?  That’s just not a fair set of options to present to guys — regardless of everyone’s dedication to safer sex.  Hey, I’m looking to share the responsibility for avoiding conception here.  Gimme something to […]

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A New Method of Male Contraception – Part 1

by Atavacron February 23, 2013

Let’s talk about male contraception.  I am a cisgendered nonmonogamous guy who dates both men and women, but primarily women.  I need a contraceptive option for myself that makes sense both with partners with whom I’m fluid-bonded, as well as partners with whom I am not.  These posts draw together my research on the available […]

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Flashback: Lady Perv in Grad School

by Lady Perv December 26, 2012

I’ve been looking through my unpublished drafts from a couple years ago, and found this start of a post that I never finished back in December 2010. I think it kind of stands on its own, and articulates my recurring frustrations with attitudes about lady parts: I was reading over my menopause notes the other […]

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by Lady Perv July 14, 2011

The Colbert Report Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c Dan Savage www.colbertnation.com Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog Video Archive Yeah, you GO, Dan. And for reference, here’s the article that’s getting Dan so much post It Gets Better attention.

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IUD Rundown Part II

by Lady Perv February 16, 2011

Dear Lady Perv, Are there any issues with the IUD and a solid deep-dicking? I just keep imagining it (a) poking some unfortunate swain or (b) getting dislodged during a particularly vigorous episode of sexing. Eh? Also, with the spotting, for how long? Weeks? Months? Inquiring minds want to know. Love, Redd Dearest Redd, Yeah, […]

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Lady Perv’s IUD Rundown

by Lady Perv February 10, 2011

Man, it is really disappointing and disconcerting how much misinformation there is about the IUD . Healthcare providers are still telling patients who ask about them that IUDs are only for women who have had children and that they cause pelvic inflammatory disease. I thought that maybe this was because these are older providers who […]

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